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An Almanac For The 21st Century

Welcome to This you Need. Allow me to help you find that one perfect thing that will solve a problem or simply bring you joy. 

Chronically Ill? These Frozen Sandwiches are a Literal Lifesaver.

Chronically Ill? These Frozen Sandwiches are a Literal Lifesaver.

Anyone living with chronic illness can tell you that sometimes the hardest thing to do is just take care of yourself. The most simple tasks, like keeping up with laundry or walking the dog, become virtually impossible when you add in aches, pains, random fevers, and just feeling shitty. One of the hardest things for me when I’m in the midst of a flare up is eating. Sure, when you’re feeling good it’s easy to whip up something to eat, but when your body feels like it’s falling apart, even tossing a frozen pizza in the oven feels like an insurmountable chore.

I was reading a Twitter thread about eating during a chronic illness flare and they had some great solutions - I for one always make sure I have protein bars, cereal, and an army of food delivery apps in case I can’t manage to make a meal. One person recommended “Chicken Melts from Costco” and multiple people agreed. I love Costco and I love easy solutions for dealing with being Forever Sick, so I decided to pick some up. And, yet again, the internet spoonies were right.

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I assumed that “Chicken Melts from Costco” was a shorthand for something else, but no, it’s literally a box in the freezer section of Costco that says, in big bold letters, CHICKEN MELTS. And let me tell you, them being called chicken melts is the least weird thing about these baby sandwiches. They do NOT look appetizing, even in the photo on the front of the box. And when you take them home an open said box, the appearance does not get any better. They also smell kind of weird.

Frozen chicken melt, prepped for the microwave

Frozen chicken melt, prepped for the microwave

BUT! All you need to do is take one of these mini sandwiches straight out of your freezer and pop it in the microwave for 50 seconds. That’s it. It will be hot and ready to eat in less than a minute. I dip mine in Honey Mustard, because while these chicken melts taste significantly better than they look or smell, I think they are improved greatly (as are myriad things) by adding mustard.

Cooked. Looks only slightly different, but now it’s hot.

Cooked. Looks only slightly different, but now it’s hot.

These sandwiches about the size of a regular iPhone, and consist of a breaded piece of chicken breast, a slice of American cheese, all wrapped up in a flatbread pocket. I usually eat two, and while it says on the box to just add a few seconds to the 50 second cook time if you’re making two, I put two in for two minutes. The first time, I did like, a minute fifteen for two, and hit some cold spots upon eating. Gross.

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Chicken Melts are not something I’d recommend to anyone, but if you fit into the niche of “needs to eat but food is a fuckin’ CHORE,” then this is a great solution. It says right on the back of the box, these sandwiches are for children, the elderly, disabled. ANYONE who has to eat to stay alive but just doesn’t have the will, or strength, or energy, or skill, or desire to like, boil pasta. God Bless Chicken Melts - may you forever have a place in my freezer (and heart).

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