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An Almanac For The 21st Century

Welcome to This you Need. Allow me to help you find that one perfect thing that will solve a problem or simply bring you joy. 

Hanky Panky Retro Thong

Hanky Panky Retro Thong

When I think of underwear, which is often (see this post for a non-pervy explanation), I think of this:

I literally quote Cory Matthews every time I'm doing laundry and end up folding 40 pairs of UNDAPANTZ. I assume this is an affliction that affects many members of the TGIF Generation. It is, right? It has to be. Speaking of, I was recently talking with a friend about a guy who got engaged at age 21, so his girlfriend of 10 years. He said he'd loved her since he was 12! She thought it seemed like a rash decision, and I replied, "Maybe, but maybe they're Cory and Topanga."

That was my entire argument.

Anyway, back to underpinnings! I'm a HUGE fan of Hanky Panky, and I recently discovered a new style that has quickly become a favorite: The Retro Thong. Basically, it's a thong with a high, wide waistband, which sounds granny-ish, but that high waistband is a GENIUS MOVE. See, there are certain dresses I like to wear that can get slightly clingy, but not clingy enough that I need to bust out the Spanx. I just need a little smoothing action, and that's where the retro thong comes in handy. I get zero panty lines, but I also get more hip and tum coverage. (Oh, and I say tum instead of tummy because when grown-ass women refer to their "tummies," especially as problem areas, I get the heebie jeebies. Dear Grown-Ass Women of the World (and Heather Thompson): I'd rather hear about your "fat gut" than your "tummy.")

Anyway, I have an hourglass shape, and sometimes I want a smooth line under my clothes that I can't achieve with a regular Hanky Panky. I'm thinking of some slim column maxi dresses in particular, kind of like these:

Sadly, these dresses are most likely no longer available, but they are from (L-R) Nordstrom, ShopBop, and Loft
Sadly, these dresses are most likely no longer available, but they are from (L-R) Nordstrom, ShopBop, and Loft

I actually own the Nordstrom dress on the far left, and it's the whole reason I fell in love with the Hanky Panky Retro Thong. See, the dress fit fine, but sometimes HPs do this thing (at least on me) where the sides will kind of roll, so they're no longer lying flat on your hips as they're meant to. Now you have these tight little lace coils pressing into your sides, making HORRIFYING ROLLS OF FLESH visible underneath your items like the aforementioned dress. This drives me utterly insane, but the retro thong solves both this problem, and my VPL-induced mania.

Like all Hanky Panky products, these underpinnings are insanely comfortable and fit like a dream (All HPs are one size, and there's a plus size line as well). The retro thong is perfect for those who want a little smoothing action, no VPL, and don't feel like suffocating themselves in a set of Spanx. I consider the Retro Thong the middle ground between a tiny pair of underoos and a full on suit of spandex. Try out a pair (I recommend buying all Hanky Panky items during a Nordstrom sale), and discover what you've been missing.

Hanky Panky Retro Thong: $23

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